Burnout

This is still a WIP but I wanna to read this in my other device and am too lazy to download the markdown so I just post on the actual blog for now.

I wasn’t really writing something here besides code stuff, but I figured since nobody really read my blog I would do whatever I want. So if somehow you are reading this expecting code or something, this post is not gonna be about anything code related.

For most of my life I was considered smart, some people even considered me a genius (what I am far from). I know that this is true for so so much people, and was you would guess with the years I was felling less and less smart. Things that would come naturally to me like math and logic problems became harder and harder, but in the beginning this was incredible I was able to challenge myself, solve math problems or puzzles, I was eager to learn, with coding was no different, when I was 14yo back in 2014, I began learning programming. I was able to do incredible things, things that today I’m not sure if I can do and thats why I’m writing today.

I first learned about the term “burnout” a couple years ago, for me was a definition for people that worked so much and so hard that they implode in stress and couldn’t do anything. I now know that this isn’t always the case, and burnout doesn’t have to be work related, but this is important for some context. Other term that I encounter around the same time was “impostor syndrome” this sounds much more straightforward and for much of my code life I thought that I had episodes of impostor syndrome.

To be honest with you I didn’t wanna to have either burnout of impostor syndrome. For the most part I was in kind of denial, but I guess there no other way right now, I must accept.

I didn’t really remember when it happened, but wasn’t sudden, I slowly lost interest and programming, before I cloud do several toy projects in a week, testing web frameworks, new languages, trying to find any open source project to contribute, I really liked helping my friends and other people online. Then I couldn’t really work anymore, everything involving code was so hard to do, and not too later everything that wasn’t inedible easy and rewarded dopamine was impossible to do. I cloud’s draw, read a book, see a movie, I was justing playing games and rotting my brain scrolling social media. Sometimes I would try to code anything and I began doing some projects but rarely was able to go to far or finish anything, sometimes I would had an idea but wasn’t even start to code and give up entirely.

Things got a little more bad after I began to search for another job because I was felling underpaid in my current job, I applied for several job listings, the majority of them I didn’t even got an interview, and I didn’t pass in any of it, this was a huge hit in my self esteem. I really didn’t know what to do.

I still don’t but now I fell like I need help and I will try to find something, hope that I can help someone felling the same way I do right now.